The following post was published some ten months ago. It was written long before that, back in 1990. I wrote it, in no small part, to myself: good counsel learned the hard way that I thought might prove helpful to share with others.

Although within the body of the writing I speak of lessons I’ve learned, I find I was overly optimistic. There are times when I must relearn the same lesson. Again.

And so I offer the writing to myself and you once more, asking God’s blessings upon it anew…

~michael

It has taken several years of scourging at the hand of my Lord to lead me to the place where I might write these words, for they are not representative of my own philosophy – not even of my “Christian” philosophy, if you know what I mean.  For there is sometimes a great difference between what a man perceives as Christian and what is truly Christ.  I liken this to the effect one experiences when swimming in a cold lake.  Now and then he finds, to his delight, a warm spot in the lake that offers great comfort.  The warm spot, like the vast cold, are part of one and the same lake.  There are similarities with the word of God (as taken by frail men like me).  There can be occasions in which you find yourself scripturally “accurate” but at the same time swimming in the cold waters of the Law.  It is by grace, indeed, through being led by the Spirit, that we can overcome our miserable state and bask in the true Law of the warm and gentle places.

The first thing that I have learned about families is that they need to choose one another.  As demonstrated by the widespread plague of divorce not even the natural links of kindred blood are strong enough to assure a steadfast bond.  God chose to love us and through all the ages demonstrates his unswerving faithfulness to this decision of his will.  The choosing was independent of our response.  If I glance backwards, I am awed and overwhelmed by the impact of God’s chosen love to me.  It came to me against the tide of my own rejection and in the end I was undone, and by my undoing, saved by the act of God in choosing to love me in Jesus Christ.  The members of families must choose each other in the deepest reaches of their will.  Natural affection is too fleeting in the face of trials.

The second lesson I have learned is that the principles of forgiveness will know no harder proving ground than in the home.  Jesus was betrayed by a kiss from one of his “family”.  We shall fare no better: the deepest wounds will come from those who are closest to our hearts. Yet forgive we must!  Sincerely.  From the heart.  For the answer to pain is not always in distancing ourselves from its source.  God chose to forgive each one of us through a terrible cost to himself.  Our Savior, Jesus, was hung on a cross: nail-pierced hands, a crown of thorns.  A back ripped open by the lash.  His spirit weighed heavy to death by the weight of our sin.  A debt we can never, ever repay.  All God asks is that we echo his own great heart in ours by forgiving those who owe us so little by comparison.  Families must remain committed to forgiving each other without limit.  True forgiveness carries with it the terrifying prospect of being vulnerable to the same injustice again and again.  So it may sometimes need to be for Christ’s sake.

The third part of my education dealt with anger and the absolute need to give it up as quickly as it comes.  The sun cannot go down on anger for this emotion is too deadly a foe to feed and still control.  When the Lord reminds us that we are petting the dragon of anger we must let it go.  I cannot hope to forgive whom I am still angry at.  Families can ill afford to shelter anger as a household pet.

My fourth lesson dealt with words and their power upon the lives of others.  The Bible tells us to limit our speech to that which is proper and good for the moment and that benefits and builds up those who hear it.  Elsewhere in God’s word we are warned of the prospect of our tongues being used to further the aims of hell.  A family must always be prepared to build each other up through sincere and gracious speech.  Criticism has its place but we must be terribly cautious in its use.  Truly, we ourselves must be in such kindred fellowship with the Spirit that we can be entrusted to criticize in the positive slant that the Lord intends.

My final lesson is not yet complete.  (Nor do I think that any shall be fully completed until I am with my Lord!) Families must love one another.  If we do everything else perfectly, if we forgive, honor, cast off our anger the moment it comes and if we speak only that which blesses the hearer yet we do not love with the love supplied us by God, we miss the mark and abide still in the cold waters of the lake.  Joy will escape us.

I am often uncomfortably reminded in the words of the hymn we sing that “they will know we are Christians by our love”.  Many is the time I have asked myself after reflecting on my relationships with the members of my own family, am I really abiding in Christ?

If the corporate Church are the members of Christ’s body than a family is like the fingers on a single hand.  If the fingers cannot get along with the hand it will falter all the more when connected to the rest of the body!  We do not always see it that way because we are usually so successful at keeping our distance, one Christian from another.  Seldom, oh how very seldom, do we live in the intimacy and fellowship with the brethren that was intended.  We are a lonely people.  It is in the family that we see how we fare in intimacy.  If we fail here it is foolish for us to claim that we do better loving the Church as a whole.  We do not!  For if we were in as intimate a union with our Christian neighbors as we experience in a family the result would be the same.  Let us not be deceived about this in the least.

I have witnessed divorce many times.  I have seen couples wed, trade vows and speak of their intentions with the high hopes of our feeble race.  God takes us from ceremony to life and places us deep in the fire of his furnace – a terrible act of mercy and grace – to burn off the dross.  In his furnace you can hear our screams and see us writhe; the pure gold separates grudgingly.  In the suffering that must take place in being conformed to the image of Christ we at times falter, even stagger.

I am convinced by belief in the character of God and the lessons of the Cross that what can often be taken as the final curtain of defeat is, by purpose and design, the setting for the dawn of triumph.  Certainly, I have not seen clearly over the years.  My attention to God’s law (I am such a legal man at times!) for the government of families, the correction of sin, the duties of the various members within the family – all have been tainted by my lack of understanding and my own selfishness.  (This is not to say that there is nothing in our Lord’s commands to each member of a household as to their respective roles.  Plentiful enough are the hardships such a family will face until, from love of Christ, they obey him and diligently persevere in the family position He has placed them in.) I have sought to correct the sin of others by force-feeding them Scripture and demanding obedience.  Angry words have burst the boundaries of my lips.  And lovelessness, that ultimate agony lovelessness, has been too often my companion.

For all who find themselves in such a crucible known as the family be greatly encouraged if you experience some of the same things as I have seen and learned.  (May we be given full grace to apply them!) God does not break to destroy but to heal.  Even if your family is apart be heartened by what Paul wrote: “For perhaps he was for this reason [his salvation] parted from you for a while, that you should have him back forever”.  (Philemon v15)

© Michael Kimball 1990 (This writing may be freely copied in its entirety without prior permission from the author.)