{This post was composed on a day in early March when my heart was a bit heavy, then forgotten about in my draft folder…Michael encouraged me to post it because it shows how God has been working in my heart these past nine months since we married.}

Where am I today, that I cannot find the way of peace?

Restless boredom fidgets in my soul, taunting with thoughts that tempt a downward spiral.

And I wonder is it this necessary, long standing circumstance that makes me fret?

Or is it the ache in my neck and shoulders today?  Physical pain, persistent though mercurial by degree, cloaking the bright side, casting long shadows under a beautiful blue sky.

Perhaps, it drills deeper, far below the surface, to the well spring which seems to run dry, silent in this moment.

I do not know.  So I pray in my heart where no words are needed.

Longing, searching, hoping…

Yet, these very moments — this collection of 60 second slices of whatever may be — are my life. And if I am careless, I can blink and miss it all.

For they are messengers of Grace to me, to be received with gratitude amidst the questioning.  They are sent to teach, these lessons of the moments.

So I stretch my legs and head out into His creation.  Open my hands, face toward the Son, absorb His warmth on this early March afternoon.

And His life giving Light, casting out my darkness.

Freedom.

Freedom to be the me He created me to be.  To go where He would send, to do that which He has planned. To fulfill the destiny. To make Him smile.

But in the getting from here to there, are the many moments.  Moments of joy-infused energy and moments sapped, when I come up empty.  And in that particular emptiness I sometimes hear echoes that rouse regret for choices poorly made.  Were there too many bad ones along the way?

And then Mercy runs to meet me…

And they will go to others and say,
‘I have sinned, I have perverted what is right,
but I did not get what I deserved.
Job 33:27

 Let us then approach God’s throne of
grace with confidence,
so that we may receive mercy and
find grace to help us in our time of need.
Hebrews 4:16

 Who is a God like You, who pardons iniquity
And passes over the rebellious act of the remnant of His possession?
He does not retain His anger forever,
Because He delights in unchanging love.
Micah 7:18

The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
slow to anger, abounding in love. He will not always accuse,
nor will he harbor his anger forever; he does not treat us as our sins
deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. For as high as the heavens
are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him; as far
as the east is from the west,
so far has he removed our transgressions from us.
As a father has compassion on his children,
so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;
for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.
Psalm 103:8-14

Mercy courses through me, gentle as a brook on a lazy afternoon.

Mercy’s kisses, planted soft as spring raindrops on an upturned face, whisper to my heart…

And we know that in all things
God works for the good of those who love him,
who have been called according to his purpose.
Romans 8:28

Mercy’s reminder, not to wallow. No amount of concerted change will ever alter the past.

But each new day holds promise untold.  And I will be glad in it. Make the most of the moments given.

I take a deep breath.  Thankful for all I have.  Especially His Word which brings me back to plumb.

And those delicious blessings He gives, heaped upon blessings. I count them, one by One, and like sheep for sleep, restlessness takes a nap, contented.

What we offer, Jesus can make beautiful.  Make sense of it.  Make it count.

The sun starts to dip in the sky and I look to the hills, east of the river.

I lift up my eyes to the mountains—where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.
Psalm 121:1-2

He wraps His arms around me, pulling me close to His heart. So close I can feel it beating.  And I know that I am His, that He has spoken, touching the inward parts.

Changing me, again.

I dial Dearest Husband, who is stretching his own legs in what seems a world away yet is only over the bridge.  He had just stopped to look high into a birch tree where a bright red cardinal was singing its heart out – and he says he had been thinking of me as my call came in.  {If you have read my post about God’s gift of cardinals, you will understand the significance!}

And we agree, God is so good. Our big, mighty God, maker of all the universe, who can send a wee small cardinal into a treetop at just the right moment.

And this is why I am where I am at this precise point in my life.  Neither here nor there, causing me to reach out to Him for all I lack.  Then to gift Him in return with my desperate longing for all He is.

Eyes closed, I soak in the moment.

Lesson learned…

~sheila