Today we welcome our friend Linda Stoll to Longings End.  This gifted and spirit led counselor and life coach offers words of wisdom that can help your marriage heal or get even better…Thanks, Linda!
~sheila

“How come you never write about Dad?” a daughter asked as we chatted on the phone recently.  “You’ve written about everybody else in the family …”

Truth be told, it’s been out of a respectful sensitivity for all my single friends, clients, and blog readers who struggle with their own marital status.  Do they really want to hear someone else’s success story when they’re lonely beyond measure and yearning for companionship, a ring on their finger, and a man to call their own?

But any marital success that we celebrate has been born out of our own ups and downs, seasons of intense crisis, and purposeful changes of heart and behavior along the way.  We know what it’s like to sit in a counseling office together.  And yet, we are celebrating our 36th anniversary today … and we’re more in love than ever before.

My parents and in-laws will both mark 60 faithful years of marriage in June.  And I’ve spent thousands of hours in the last decade listening to heartbroken, frustrated, and angry men and women reflecting on this most sacred of human relationships.  All that being said, here’s a few bits of wisdom I’ve gleaned along the way that might be worth considering …

8 RANDOM OBSERVATIONS

1. Your spouse doesn’t have a crystal ball.

For years I figured that my husband should just instinctively KNOW my deepest desires and all my hopes and dreams.  Truth is, he didn’t have a clue.  Along the way, I discovered that the love of my life was not a mind reader, and if I wanted him to know all about me, I was going to have to speak what was true, in ways that were respectful.  And do so during times of peace, not when my hair was standing on end.  {The best go-to-manual on doing this well is Ephesians 4:29-32.}

2. Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?

Some spouses are so busy fighting for their rights, fighting to be heard, fighting to win the next argument, or fighting to come out on top, that they don’t realize that all these futile debates do is produce a lose/lose outcome.  No one emerges as a winner … and the children end up as the biggest losers of all.  Choose your battles wisely.  Is this worth going to the mat for?  Probably not.

3. You are not the Holy Spirit.

One of the things that the Spirit does so beautifully is convict {John 16:8-10}.  If we are endlessly haranguing our spouse about diet, smoking, finances, in-laws, health, leadership, parenting, church attendance, ad nauseam, we are treading on ground that’s not ours to tread on.  Learn the art of speaking the truth, in love, with respect.  After bringing up the topic about three times, drop it.  Allow natural consequences to kick in.  And use the energy that you were burning up to converse with God about what’s bugging you.  And watch His power kick into gear.  If you need some guidance on doing this well, don’t hesitate to talk with a wise pastor or a well-trained counselor.  {Please do not talk about your challenges with family or friends who will get pulled into taking sides in your drama.}

4. Don’t entertain at your spouse’s expense.

Few things are more embarrassing than seeing one spouse constantly correcting the other, or making tasteless remarks and insensitive, stupid jokes at the other’s expense.  The emotionally abused spouse feels like two cents.  This craving to be in the spotlight only reflects the big mouth’s own neediness and lack of self-esteem, and they end up looking petty and small themselves.  If this is you, please clam up.

5. Your spouse will never meet all your needs.

Let each other off the hook on this one.  Does he get catatonic at the thought of an all-day shopping marathon?  Do her eyes glaze over at the prospect of watching back to back to back games on TV?  There are some needs that can only be met by a same-sex friend or other family members.  Or the rewards that creative work or an interesting hobby can offer.  But ultimately, only the Lover of your soul is ready, willing, and able to meet the deepest, gaping needs that remain unfulfilled in the deepest parts of who we are.

6. Men desperately need respect. Women deeply crave love.

This huge discovery was born out of years of counseling couples.  If I had only known what Ephesians 5:33 was all about earlier, I might have saved us all alot of time and effort.

7. Your true colors show up during crisis.

The honeymoon is oh so sweet.  But your true colors will most likely begin to show up as you have children.  Or are unable to.  During any kind of trauma or loss.  Or as you age.  Just ask the spouse who pushes a wheelchair.  Applies medication to their life partner’s gaping pressure sores.  Cleans out a clogged trach tube.  Or changes their messy Depends.  Faithfully.  Day in and day out.

8. Stop keeping a list of every wrong every committed.

The endless litany gets old after awhile. Free yourself up to love well. Forgive. Forgive. Forgive. Like Christ did for you.  And me {Colossians 3:13}.

2 REFLECTIVE QUESTIONS

What’s it like being married to you?

This question hits home and can put a halt to endlessly highlighting our partner’s faults and idiosyncrasies.  Looking in our own mirror is biblical.  It stops the finger-pointing and turns the spotlight on to our own sinful ways of relating that need attention {Psalm 139:22-23}.

Is the fruit of the Spirit seen by how you relate to your spouse?

Read Galatians 5:22-23.  Often.  Insert your name before each characteristic.  {Linda is loving. Linda is joyful. Linda is peaceful. Etc.}  Chances are you won’t get too far before you realize that there are some heart issues that you need to take ownership of.  Quickly.

You can learn to be a safe haven for your spouse.  You can learn to love well.  Please don’t wait til it’s too late.

Linda

About the author: Linda Stoll is a board certified pastoral counselor, a certified life coach, and much-in-love wife/mom/grandma. She’s an avid blogger, a collector of sea glass, an online used book seller, and a devoted viewer of Food Network’s Chopped. She and her husband dream together of someday finding a little cottage by the sea.