The sun yet slumbers beneath the horizon on a recent summer morning and all is still.
Except my heart.
Separation anxiety has set in big time.
My once little chicks have flown the coop or are poised to …
And I am wrestling with the fact that the life I have known and lived for so long is concluded.
As a single mom.
Alone, raising three boys.
Terribly frightened at times.
Usually exhausted by day into night’s end.
Clinging all the while to the hand of Christ, the father of the fatherless.
But with joy and lots of love even in some of the hardest moments I have ever known…
And in the whirlwind of a one parent home, there was a peace that held everything together.
He uses every situation – especially the uncomfortable ones – to purify, to grow, to heal, to help me become more like Him.
He is there for you, too.
Yet, there have been days when I sorely kicked against the goad…
The lessons were so not fun.
And for anyone who knows me well, fun is a chief motivator!
But, as always the gentle answer to a weary daughter…
Come to me, you who are burdened and heavy ladened and I will give you rest.
So I did.
And I do.
Only this time the situation is different.
Not dark like before.
Transition equates to unknown.
And unknown can produce a feather of fear.
It is the season of letting go.
Letting go of what was in order to more fully embrace what is.
A new chapter, penned by the fingers of God.
With a new marriage to a wonderful man full of God’s holy truth and spirit.
A man who holds my heart as he gently nudges me forward.
As we walk hand in hand into the purpose for which God created us…
These times of passage, though, leave me wistful while forging my inner mettle, testing my tensile strength to what I perceive is the outer limit.
Only it’s not and there is always room to grow.
His Grace is sufficient.
In my moments of weakness…He is strong.
And as I hold His hand…I can be a little bit stronger and go a little farther and look a little more like my Big Brother.
Where would I be without Him?
The bottom of a sewer somewhere swimming with who-knows-what, covered in slime and stinking.
But I am not.
And that makes me glad.
Even if there have been tears along the way. The purpose at hand is always for my benefit.
While the darkest of times have been tough, they grew my love relationship with Him. I treasure those moments of being held in His arms as I trembled through the storms.
For His glory.
Yet here I sit, not quite ready to move on this particular morning.
Remembering wisps of childhood.
Early mornings at the bus stop. Baking cupcakes at midnight. Practicing spelling words. Pacing the floor in the middle of the night with a feverish toddler. Summers spent poolside with three little brown babies. Bedtime stories. Chocolate chip pancakes every snow day. First step…first school dance. Sixteen year olds parallel parking. Talking at two in the morning with a young adult perched on the edge of my bed.
Holding in my heart forever those days of diapers and early morning feedings and my sons being small enough to sleep in my arms. A chapter of my life seems to have ended in the twinkling of an eye while I wasn’t looking.
My sons are grown.
Embarking on their own lives.
Tears — that only a mom can shed –salt my cheeks.
But You are near.
Holding me tenderly.
Help me catch up with this long anticipated twist in the path. My nest is nearly empty. Please set my feet firmly upon the yellow brick road You are laying out before me…
Only you are not a wizard.
You are Lord.
And I hear you say…
This is the way, walk ye in it.
So that the joy in this second half journey may be savored.
Bringing my best life yet.
You wipe away my tears.
Kiss my forehead.
And tell me everything will be alright.
And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.
And now about my separation anxiety…in saying goodbye to the life I have known, one day at a time, incrementally…
I reach forward to grasp the gift I have been graciously given.
And trust that the future is bright for His Light shines all over it.